Jaguar XKR Portfolio: Who's in control?

I think I may have found the ultimate hi-fi. It has extended bandwidth aluminium dome tweeters. It has mid-range driver units made of Kevlar, the same material used to create bullet proof vests; and it's built by Bowers and Wilkins, the same people that supply the audio systems for Abbey Road studios. Yeah, the place where the Beatles recorded.

Obviously, an audio system of this calibre needs an equally impressive home. That's why it lives in one of these...

Meet the Jaguar XKR Portfolio. No, it's not the one you saw on Top Gear, this is the special edition Portfolio model. It's like the standard car except it's more attractive, it has even more gadgets, and enough leather and wood inside to keep the greenies over at Smartplanet.com very... concerned.

I'm Rory Reid and I'm driving the ultimate gadget.

I gave you a little clue about the car's audio system, but I'm afraid I haven't done it justice. Take a look around... these are two of the tweeters I mentioned – they join five mid-range speakers, two up front, two at the rear and one in the centre of the dashboard. These can run in either in a classic stereo mode, or three-channel mode, where all the vocals come from the centre channel and the rest of the instrumental hits you from all angles. And they can run in Dolby Pro Logic II. So in essence, what you've got here is a fully bona fide cinema-quality audio experience in a car.

The whole thing, in fact most things in this car, are controlled via this touchscreen. It's comprehensive – I mean, it comes with not one, but two separate quick-start guises -- but once you get to grips with it, it's easy to use. On the home screen you'll find icons that take you into the Audio, Climate, Phone, Navigation and Vehicle control systems. AM and FM radio are standard, as is an MP3-compatible CD reader and a six-disc CD changer in the boot. There's no iPod dock, but what do you expect for 75 grand?

I'll tell you what you can expect for 75 grand: adaptive headlights that swivel left and right as you turn the wheel; a flappy-paddle gearbox; automatic rain-sensing wipers; 16-way adjustable heated seats with lumbar support and three memory presets for different drivers; auto-closing wing mirrors; keyless entry with RFID; front and rear parking sensors and a heated steering wheel.

Earlier, I mentioned the B&W sound system being absolutely phenomenal, but there's one soundtrack that overshadows this without even trying. The XKR makes the kind of sound that can literally bring a grown man to tears.

Check this out. In my right hand I have the Jaguar Smart Key. As long as this is in the cabin – anywhere in the car – I can fire up the engine. Just listen to this. What you're hearing is the sound of a 420bhp 4.2-litre V8 married to an exhaust system crafted by the devil himself.

0-60 happens in 4.9 seconds. It has an electronically limited top speed of 155mph, and the way it goes about its business is absolutely phenomenal. You can drive this car like a normal coupe and it'll be as quiet and refined as anything. But put your foot down, or worst still, flick it into sport mode, and it'll accelerate like you wouldn't believe. The chassis is so light, flexible and manageable, and the brakes, which are the best Jaguar has ever made in a road car, make you feel very much in control.

Ironically, sometimes you're not actually in control – the Jag, believe it or not, can pretty much drive itself. It has cruise control, obviously, but it also comes with Adaptive Cruise Control, so if another car pulls out in front of me, the Jag will brake automatically to maintain a safe distance.

Check this out – I've set the cruise control to 40mph; our camera car has just pulled in front of me and will decelerate to 30mph. The radar system on the front of the bonnet detects this and puts the Jag into follow mode so it'll brake automatically to maintain a safe distance, then accelerate again all the way up to the initial speed I programmed into the cruise control. To coin a phrase: it's the car of the future. Today.

But is all this enough to ensure the success of the Jaguar XKR? When you think of other sports cars, Aston Martin and Porsche, then the British-built Jaguar shouldn't really get a look in – it doesn't carry the same air of excitement, and why should it? The interior looks a bit like it was designed by Simon Cowell – new-school sensibilities hacked together by an old man. Loving the white leather, but did it really need these 1930's wooden panels? And I know it's got 16-way adjustable leather seats, but couldn't they at least go all the way back? That feature alone could ruin your weekend.

It's just as well, then, that the outside of this car is impossibly ridiculously, incomprehensibly gorgeous. It doesn't matter what angle you look at it from, I can't see a single thing wrong with it. Anywhere. Look at the hips. Look at the profile. The 20-inch wheels. I haven't seen a single person that doesn't like the look of this car.

Combine everything and you've honestly got to say the Jag is out of this world. You've seen what it looks like, you've heard what it sounds like, you've seen the tech. The only missing piece that you might not be able to wrap your head around is the driving experience. But believe me – I'd happily spend 75 grand on this car and it would be a privilege. It doesn't matter whether you're man, woman or beast. You should all bow down and worship.